Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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