I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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