Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
