New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
