If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
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