If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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