you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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