I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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