the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
