I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
