If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Randomize
