What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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