so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
