In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
