So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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