The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
