2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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