come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
