I hate all girls vehemently.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
