I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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