Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
