I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
