Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
