my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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