I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
