I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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