I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
