32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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