just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
