If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
