watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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