I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We don't watch enough power rangers
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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