she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just blew my weed a kiss
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
