My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
