I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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