hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
