Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
