If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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