i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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