Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
