used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
