i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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