I want to have your abortion
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Randomize
