New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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