I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
