Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
