sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
zippers are such a cool invention
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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