Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
