Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Randomize
