So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
